REQUIEM FOR A LIGHTWEIGHT

I have a vehement distaste for what is called in the U.S. the "coffee table" book. These biblio-monstrosities are invariably too unwieldy to hold, too heavy to read and too large to store on a bookshelf. In France we call them portes de granit or granite doors and to own one is to announce that one is an intellectual arriviste.

To write one is even worse.

 Marta Shayn has contributed mightily to this pulpy tradition with her new doorstop The Vertical Life, an allegedly scholarly study of my friend David Schoffman's work from about 1998, the year he painted the Cassirer mural, to the present. The volume is voluminous in every sense of the word.

At 479 pages and measuring a regal 60 x 71cm it's a tome fit more for a tomb than for a functioning library. David seemed embarrassed when I asked him whether it was fitting to claim so many scarce natural resources towards a scholarly study of his unremarkable career. 

"It doesn't matter what I think," he deadpanned, "it only matters what they think."

Who the they in question were remains unclear.

I've always admired David for his false humility, it's a quality that despite my best efforts has eluded me my entire life.

So until they back the truck up my alley and forklift some fresh-faced professor to summarize my illustrious efforts I'll continue to express my covetous resentments without any of the ritual self-abasements, false or otherwise.

Did I mention it lists for €120?!