The first time my good friend David Schoffman encountered a real live elf he was three sheets to the wind, was bloated like a bullfrog and had enough methaqualone coursing through his bloodstream to tame a raging, randy mastodon.
Now he sees elves practically everywhere.
Which would be bad enough but he insists on talking about it.
And not only that.
He actively goes around looking for elves. But the thing is, what he considers an elf is anything but. To David, anything svelte and in a costume constitutes an elf when it could very well be something entirely different.
It could be a ballerina, a transvestite, an art student, a carnival performer, a panhandler, a cheerleader, a busker or a Christian missionary with a dash of panache.
He spends so much time looking for these putative elves that the Regent of the University of California officially declared David "unfit" to teach within the entire UC system.
This decree seems to include the California State college system as well as all the smaller community colleges that dot the coastal landscape like scurvy.
Not only can't he get a job as dog catcher, they won't even hire him as an adjunct!
I suppose the only thing left for him to do is to get back into his elfin studio and start painting again.
I wonder if he mistakes the cockroaches for elves as well?
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